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Everyday Matters
An article in collaboration between the Roschinski brothers and White Unicorn e.V.
The perception of autistic people differs greatly from that of non-autistic people. This becomes noticeable in everyday life. Just as autistic individuals vary in character, the number and intensity of the barriers they encounter—and how they handle them—are equally diverse. The everyday experiences shared here should be seen as examples, even if some people find themselves reflected in them or parents recognize their children. What is described here may not apply at all or only partially. Everyday life can also look completely different in someone's experience.
For some autistic people, certain days are a bit like a puzzle—for example, when setting the table. Setting the table is like puzzling: if there is enough time and quiet, puzzling is a great joy. Part by part is assembled with love and patience. However, if there is pressure, stress, or haste, puzzling becomes significantly less enjoyable, or it may not succeed at all and must be postponed. If you had to complete the puzzle under great time pressure, it would be best if all the pieces were already pre-sorted so they could be put together as quickly and effectively as possible. Then it might even be fun for a while. But it wouldn't be possible any other way. Yet, even with the best sorting and strategy, at some point, you still wish you could just puzzle comfortably again—the way you actually like to puzzle. It is the same with the table. If you are under tension due to sensory overload, for instance, it provides stability if everything has been done before and you know where everything is. It is also easier if the routine is followed exactly as always, as the whole process then flows smoothly. This allows you to complete everything quickly without having to think about it. In the long run, however, it is better to do it this way only occasionally—specifically when it is necessary. Otherwise, you can simply set the table in peace and comfort, just like puzzling, without everything happening in a rush.
Puzzling at a Set Table
Could you put a puzzle together in five minutes if you could only see the back of the pieces? Probably not! Usually, we rely heavily on the image on the front while puzzling; the shape of the piece alone isn't typically very telling for us—or is it? Quite a few autistic people might answer: "Actually, yes." For some, even an inherently minor detail like the shape is just as important as the striking image on the front. A tiny detail then appears just as significant as everything else. Often, it is precisely the peripheral details that matter most, handled with a true love for detail.
One can easily understand this trait using the example of a set table. Plates, saucers, cups, cutlery, napkins... it all needs to be put in its proper place—and often in the shortest time possible. And this is exactly where the challenge lies, despite all the love for detail. Under high stress, things are supposed to happen quickly. But which part is the important one? What is the right spot? Amidst a wealth of details, good organization is worth its weight in gold, because it allows even the smallest detail to be noticed—though this certainly requires quite a bit of practice and effort under stressful conditions.
It’s the same with setting the table. The many small pieces needed for a set table are overlooked—at least some of them—and simply don’t find the right place in all the rush.
Tip: There is strength in serenity! Haste makes waste. Then, a table can look wonderful down to the smallest detail. And some guests may only notice afterward how much love was actually put into the fold of the napkin's beak.
Everyday Life as a String of Pearls
Sometimes it seems as though everything in the daily life of autistic people must be ritualized. This clarity is occasionally practical and even sensible—but not always. It often happens that this structure and these strict "strings of pearls" form the final anchor, yet they are then perceived as literal "chains." In such cases, they merely help one to function at all under high stress... somehow.
Please note:
This clear order must be maintained at all costs because everything else seems to be falling apart.
Like pearls scattered around, some of which can no longer be found.
To maintain an overview, they are best threaded together.
-> This prevents the need to think for oneself; one can move along the structure of the string to do what one wants—or must—within an environment shaped by sensory stimuli.
For some autistic people, playing with pearls is a pleasure. The daily routine is like a collection of pearls, and sometimes they are crafted into a necklace simply because it is enjoyable. Sometimes, one plays with the pearls differently, however they wish. Others, however, are under such high stress that it no longer bears any resemblance to a game – it becomes a compulsion born of exhaustion. What they all have in common is that the daily routine is precisely structured, whether playfully or because it seems like the only option left. Changes or unforeseen events can then be completely derailing. If it is a playful string of pearls, one can quickly re-thread it or arrange it differently. This is why, during unscheduled events, questions about the duration are often asked. However, if the stress level is relatively high, the tasks to be completed feel overwhelming, even though routine provides security.
The daily routine is like a string of pearls; each pearl stands for something specific, and all pearls are arranged in a fixed order. Sometimes, when the string is more of an anchor in times of need, it is impossible to simply swap the pearls—for example, to say, "I’ll have breakfast first, then go to the bathroom and get dressed." Even if an appointment is rescheduled—such as leaving ten minutes earlier for practice to pick up a much-needed glue stick—it can lead to chaos. Even when a dreaded dentist appointment is canceled, problems can arise. To change the daily routine, metaphorically speaking, all pearls must be unthreaded, the new pearls inserted, and the others rethreaded in their original order. That takes time! And it costs energy! Therefore, this procedure cannot be sustained many times in a row. Otherwise, the string will snap, everything will get mixed up, and chaos will reign.
Autistic people often announce every small, seemingly obvious action—frequently with an uncertain, questioning tone: for example, "I'm having a yogurt," or "I'm washing my hands now." These actions were not foreseen in the string of pearls and are therefore technically not possible. They need confirmation that what they are doing is right—they don't want to annoy the family; they are simply uncertain. This is also because the understanding of these connections within the pearl-string daily structure is often lacking.
Tip: Consider whether the daily routine truly needs to be changed and respect your child’s questions about the duration of events. Announce changes as early as possible (preferably with a logical explanation—not just "I want to go to Aldi," but rather "I want to bake a cake tomorrow, so we need to leave 10 minutes earlier to get butter at Aldi"—then please do not turn it into a major grocery trip, or you will lose credibility). If the string of pearls feels more like a "chain," the burden of environmental barriers is likely too high. One should play with pearls—not have to live in chains.
Clothing
For autistic people, clothing often has a special significance:
It must be comfortable.
It provides protection from the environment.
It must be familiar and/or visually appealing.
The material must feel pleasant against the skin.
It should not be too varied.
The selection doesn't need to be large.
It must be easily accessible (I tend to wear whatever is on top of the pile).
Our brother, for example, always fastens the top button of his shirt or wears sweaters that can be closed at the neck. In school or when interacting with others, you will rarely see him any other way. But when he feels comfortable, he opens his button or zipper. This happens almost exclusively at home and serves as a measure of his well-being for us. In those moments, he doesn't feel the need to protect himself.
Everyone wants to feel comfortable in their clothes. For autistic people, a few items are often enough; too many can be confusing. As parents, you have to learn to accept this. Two pairs of pants, four tops, two sets of pajamas – that is enough. (Some might like a few more: four or five). You can also buy two of the same item or stock up on different sizes for the future. This prevents problems down the road. While having fewer items in the closet means washing more often, buying fewer pieces is easier on the wallet. So many parents have to argue with their children because they absolutely "need" their twentieth sweater. With autistic children, you are sometimes spared these discussions.
New Clothing
However, a major problem arises when new clothes are needed. This is often pure stress for everyone involved. We have put together a few tips:
Announce the purchase well in advance.
It needs to be quick; therefore, perhaps check the store beforehand to see if something suitable is available.
Let the child help choose, even if they are still small.
If they like something, buy two of the same item and/or a larger size.
Choose something from a catalog together with the child; this allows for trying it on at home.
Do not force any item on them; that only leads to conflict.
Schedule enough time for the shopping trip, expect challenges, and try to stay as calm as possible.
The child must understand the necessity of new clothing. If they feel for themselves that a jacket is too small, they are more likely to understand the need for a new one. However, you must also accept that the child may continue to wear the tight jacket for a while longer, as it is not yet "too small" for them. Perhaps it provides a special sense of protection precisely because it is tight.
Letting go of your own expectations: what parents perceive as beautiful is usually not seen as beautiful by children anyway—and while parents usually get used to what is modern because so many people wear it, autistic people are not like everyone else—not even in their clothing. They often have their own unique taste, and life is much more peaceful when you accept it.
Are candles cozy?
Candles are generally associated with coziness: a lovely evening by the fireplace, candlelight, and a few snacks—even a good meal is enhanced by beautiful candles on the table. For an autistic person, however, this can look quite different. The "lovely" candlelight becomes a glaring spotlight that blinds and causes headaches, and if the candle flickers as well, discomfort is inevitable.
This does not only happen with candles but throughout daily life. Bright sunshine is not perceived as beautiful; instead, the rays reflected everywhere—on leaves, windows, cars, water, or bright surfaces—become piercing beams that cause eye strain and headaches. Often, even sunglasses or a brimmed hat do not help. These individuals prefer to stay in a darkened room. This sensitivity remains a factor even at dusk when the first streetlights or lamps are turned on.
Therefore, it is important to allow individuals who prefer it this way to maintain their individuality. Even if this is difficult for some parents to understand, for the child it is indeed much more pleasant with curtains drawn and dimmed lights. Some children also really like LED string lights attached along the edges of the room; they provide a soft glow that doesn't hurt the eyes but still illuminates the space.
Tip: Much of the misunderstanding probably stems from the assumption that one cannot see anything with such little light. But that is not the case. It is enough to recognize everything and see clearly, just as others do in "bright" light. An enormous advantage of this is that in perceived "darkness," many things can still be seen—which parents then often dismiss as "imagination." Sometimes it is important to let go of such preconceptions. These children really do see something and find it pleasant precisely where some parents are literally "groping in the dark."
Buying Cream
Cream is a natural product. Every dairy produces cream and packages it—each in different packaging: sometimes in a carton, sometimes in a plastic tub. Every package looks different, but they all contain cream. For "neurotypicals," cream is simply the white liquid inside the container. But for autistic people, cream is often something completely different.
They see the cream and the packaging (and possibly the storage location and/or its spot in the store) as one inseparable unit. To them, cream is not just white and liquid; it has a brown package with red lettering, sits on the bottom left of the pantry shelf, and is located to the right of the emergency exit in the store. If they are asked to get cream, they simply won't find it on the shelf if the packaging has changed, if the preferred brand is out of stock, or if it is already whipped and sitting in the fridge.
For many autistic people, products in the supermarket are more than just their mere contents.
Sometimes, production methods, animal welfare, and many other details matter as well. In some cases, it is enough for the item to be found on the organic shelf, regardless of what it looks like. But what happens if there is no organic cream at all? This question can sometimes prove to be quite tricky.
Tip: Occasionally, buy cream at a different store with different packaging and point out the various forms and uses to your child. However, even if it works for cream, it doesn't necessarily mean it will work for sour cream, milk, or even a new, unknown cream package. Sometimes, alternative shopping options like ordering online can help ensure that exactly the right item is always in stock. Some children can also accept alternatives if they are known in advance (e.g., "We are going to buy cream now, but if they don't have it for the sauce, we’ll have fish sticks or another favorite dish instead").
Surprises
Surprises can be a tricky thing for autistic people. For some, the surprise—not knowing what they will receive or where an outing is headed—creates such stress that they are unable to feel joy. The tension is simply too great. By the time the moment arrives, they can no longer enjoy the surprise. However, if you say in advance what the gift will be or where the trip is going, the anticipation can be enjoyed by everyone, young and old. This allows them to look forward to it completely, without the children whining, because they are content. And when the moment finally comes, the joy is even greater.
One certainly has to get used to this trait, as we generally love to surprise others. In this case, the true gift lies in the anticipation and the day or package itself when the time finally arrives.
The Senses Through Two Examples
For many autistic people, perceiving the world is like being in a "Wimmelbild" (hidden picture puzzle) of the five senses. Some capture every tiny detail in peace to perceive the picture in its entirety. As a result, they may sometimes seem a bit slow, but the experience is very intense in its perception. Afterward, every detail is known: the smell, the images, how it feels... It’s not about seeing as much as possible as quickly as possible. It’s about taking the time for what one is experiencing. There are also some autistic people who don't find the "whole" itself that important. Instead, they specialize in thousands of plants and know every single species. A forest can be viewed in different ways: the forest as a whole, or as a collection of 1000 flowers, 597 shrubs, 98 mushrooms, 2 butterflies, 5 squirrels, and 10 mosquitoes—or as a single flower at the foot of a tree, forgetting everything else around you for a while... Every flower can be explored and identified, every little detail can be marveled at, every birdsong can be assigned to an animal, the forest floor feels different everywhere, various berries and mushrooms all taste different, and the forest smells different whether it’s raining or sunny. It is good to concentrate on this and take the time to live intensely.
1. Sight
Using the example of a stream in the forest, we would like to invite you to linger. If you just walk past it, as in the first image, you could simply keep going. Or, as in the second image—in peace—stand still and perceive, recognizing that there is much more to discover.
2. Touch
If you close your eyes and touch objects, it becomes especially clear how differently surfaces feel. The incredibly intense perception when touching objects and textures becomes very apparent. In some museums and exhibitions, there are "tactile boxes" (or feel-boxes) that make use of this effect. Through structure, consistency, and the nature of size and form, one can literally "grasp" an object. For some autistic people, this sense is exceptionally well-developed. It works highly effectively even without a special tactile box. This makes it possible to perceive a vast number of differences and to gauge what is particularly pleasant or unpleasant.
As a result, a flannelette duvet cover might be highly preferred, while a satin one is perceived as far too "slippery"—or vice versa. Which preferences develop in life varies completely from person to person. What they have in common, however, is that this high sensitivity in the sense of touch often results in a strong reaction. If something extremely unpleasant is touched, it can even lead to a feeling of nausea.
Everyone has this to some extent—at some point, a threshold is reached where a feeling of disgust arises. For some, this happens sooner, such as with animal fur that reminds them of a rat, or a sensation that resembles spider legs. In the case of high sensitivity in this sense, however, these conscious associations are not even necessary. If a floor or a handle has a certain plastic texture, it is rejected, as are microfiber cleaning cloths and many other things, depending on what the individual finds unpleasant—without being able to consciously associate it with something like a spider. The question of "Why?" thus often remains unanswered because it happens in the subconscious.
The Useful Side of Sensitivity
Fortunately, our world is so diverse that we don't have to use one specific cleaning cloth, but can simply choose another brand. For those with high tactile sensitivity, this is urgently necessary, as quality of life otherwise suffers significantly. As with the association with a spider, there is usually a reason for the rejection. For example, even a very slight intolerance to a certain material is enough for the body, through its sensitivity, to signal very clearly that it is better to avoid it because it could be harmful. This makes the mindfulness of looking after oneself much easier. It is very often an extremely useful ability. Furthermore, the sense of well-being with pleasant objects is also particularly pronounced, and a new stuffed animal, a duvet cover, or a lambskin steering wheel cover in the car can feel like Christmas and Easter all at once. Creating a pleasant living environment through mindfulness is of utmost importance here and leads to a great enrichment of life.
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